As we are on the topic of gender issues today, and if you have read the post on the new book, Self Made Man below, you might need some humorous interlude to remind yourself that life as a man really isn’t as bad as Norah Vincent makes it sound. More precisely, life as an English bloke is even better. Here’s why:

  1. CALLING SOMEONE ‘SON’ – Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.
  2. DRINKING UP – Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your
    coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then
    nodding towards the door, saying, "Let’s go" and striding out while
    everyone else struggles to catch up with you. God, you’re hard.
  3. NODDING AT COPPERS – A moments eye contact is all it takes for you
    to share the unspoken bond. "We’ve not seen eye to eye in the past", it
    says, "but someone’s got to keep the little scrotes in line".
  4. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE… and everyone cheers you. It doesn’t mean
    you’re popular, it just means your mates are pissed. However, the rest
    of the pub doesn’t know that.
  5. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT – fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.
  6. CARVING THE ROAST – and saying "are you a leg or breast man" to the
    blokes and "do you want stuffing" to the women. Congratulations, you
    are now your dad.
  7. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS – ideally, B&Q would have little changing
    rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY
    item. Until then, we’ll make do with the aisles.
  8. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE – unlike birds, we get
    straight to the point. "alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is
    then. Seven. Seeya."
  9. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT – Since the dawn of time, men have toiled
    in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it’s over we can stand
    there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer
    gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.
  10. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU – especially if you didn’t
    make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".
  11. CALLING YOUR MATE A C_*T – and punching him on the shoulder. Just a
    man’s way of saying "you’re a good mate; I missed you while you were in
    hospital".
  12. FARTING in public – you are a man, right? Better out than in then..

      
      

Humour

April 20, 2006

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